Vision of a broken heart

My biggest fear is that I will grow old alone. There I said it and at 51, I am starting to believe that this fear will come to be.

I have been overcoming a lot but to overcome this fear it will require cooperation from another individual.

Mariah Carey has a song with the following words, “I had a vision of love and it was all that you have given to me and it was all you turned out to be.” Her song “Vision of Love” was one of my wedding songs back in 1991.

At that time this, song was an anthem for the life and love I was hoping to have. “It took so long but still I believed.” I felt as if Mariah had read my journals and composed this song from what she had read.

Unfortunately, that marriage ended probably as fast as it began. After a short six years I filed for divorce and was extremely happy to have the weight of that relationship off of my back and out of my finances, even though we shared a child.

“Vision of Love” shifted and continued to be the anthem of my desire. One line says, “Prayed through the nights, felt so alone, suffered from alienation, carried the weight on my own, had to be strong, so I believed and now I know I’ve succeeded in finding the place I conceived.”

Here’s the problem, I listened to this song over and over for many years to the point that I did not have to look up the lyrics to write this piece. They are engrained in my psyche.

The unfortunate part is that I am having a hard time believing. I believe in love because I see it all around me. Relationships that function well, relationships filled with mutual respect and a level of care that isn’t easy to put into words.

But as it relates to me and romantic relationships, I am not sure Mariah or any divine being included me in the vision. “I realized a dream and visualized the love that came to be.” I have done this time and time again. I know what it looks like, what it should feel like and what it will look like that day when it happens.

As much as I have concentrated my thoughts and desires towards positive attributes and outcomes, I have yet to experience the vision.

My aha moment happened just last week. I was under the impression that I I had perhaps met the one. He seemed so unlike any other that I had met in the past.

You can’t imagine the devastation I experienced while in conversation with a friend of mine. I was definitely bragging about this person.

I talked about some of the sweet statements that have been made and the equally sweet moments we have shared that let me know he and I were on the same page.

As I described certain details my friend said that sounds just like so-in-so’s boyfriend. His name isn’t….. and he said the exact name. I was crushed.

The realization I made is that I have been falling for the same person. They are different in looks and other details but ultimately they are the same person.

How is this possible? Therapy, vision boards, praying to my higher power, working on myself to be the person I want to attract, and reading the latest of every self help this and that.

And I still met him. That guy who dazzles me, stimulates me intellectually, makes me laugh and has the charm of a Boeing 747. Hurtful reality, mr. my guy is stimulating several others as well.

I always meet the guy who is not honest enough to say he doesn’t want to be in a monogamist relationship. This one has me thinking it’s time to hang it up. I can shift my focus to career or the other things I am learning.

I am not sure how long I can keep getting my hopes up only to be let down. The time has come to just refocus. That is of course after I talk to my therapist and create a new vision board.