Stop fear from stopping you
As I sat on the edge of the pool, I watched the instructor tell 6-year-old Charlie, kick, Charlie kick, kick, kick. “Good job Charlie,” she said ending with a high five.
She then says to Charlie do it again and this time go further into the deep end. Charlie heads in and kicks his little legs quickly and swiftly.
I watched him glide across the pool as if it took no effort at all. When he gets to the other end, the deep end, he pops up and holds onto the side of the pool.
I swear he didn’t seem excited nor did he show any special emotion. It was more like no big deal. As he swam back, I remembered thinking OK piece of cake.
She gives Charlie an overview and some instructions of things to work on and then says see you Sunday. Of course he’s frolicking around in the pool as he moves towards the other children who have already had their lesson.
Morgan, the instructor said “are you ready Jacque?” Now all of a sudden, I can hear the loud thump of my heart beating in my chest as if it’s going to jump out.
Since this is something I have wanted to do for years and years, I hop in and move towards her in the pool but I’m terrified.
Morgan asks me a few questions to determine where she needs to begin the lesson. Realizing that I had never had my head under water, I tell her, and she said, “OK, we will start there.”
“Hold your breathe and put your face in the water,” said Morgan. Unlike the children before me, I begun to cry. I think she was caught off guard, not really sure what to say to me except, “its OK Jacque. I am here and nothing will happen to you,” she said.
At this moment, I realize I have drawn a crowd. The children and their parents look on as if to say what’s wrong with her. I start to feel weak and my heart is beating even harder in my chest.
The beats are all I can hear. Morgan holds my hands and tells me to try it again. With bigger tears gushing down my face, I follow instructions and this time the water gets in my eyes.
No goggles. I tell her it burns. Who knew you would need goggles to see under the water. One of the children offered to let me borrow theirs. I acquiesced and placed the goggles on my eyes.
I was able to progress on this first lesson to putting my head under the water with my entire body but that did not stop the tears and the uncontrollable feeling afraid.
I had to really think about whether or not I could continue. The fear was like a part of my soul. It was deep down to my core and I was not sure I could move forward. I considered pretending I was sick so I wouldn’t have to show up. After-all there is a pandemic happening.
I would not allow myself to chicken out. I am on a this new thing where I am committed to trying new things and learning new things. Prior to my second lesson, I purchased my own goggles. I had also been diligent about giving myself a daily pep talk. You can do this I said, you want to do this, if you don’t do it you will be disappointed in yourself.
Just remember its a piece of cake. I was hoping that these words would get to that part of my soul where the fear had taken up permanent residency. You can and you will.
On the day of my second lesson, Morgan tells me to put my head under the water and I did and this time I did not cry. We did that a few times and then she asks me if I was ready to try something else like floating.
She explains how to breathe and where my arms should be. She reminds me that she’s there and not to worry. First time ever, I did it. I could hear the wind blowing lightly, I hear birds chirping, I felt the warm sun beaming down over my entire body causing the water to also feel warm.
It was such a serene feeling. I felt fearfully happy. My heart beat hard because I was not sure how I would get off this water without drowning. She tells me to roll and tuck my legs under to use them to get up but of course that did not happen.
Instead the fear caused me to grab her and almost take her under fighting a fictitious drowning that wasn’t happening or even about to happen.
Luckily for me she was patient and just as determined for me to swim. It became as much a goal for her as it was for me.
I began doing basic exercises in order to trick my mind into not being afraid. I practiced sinking to the bottom of the pool to see what it would feel like and it helped me realized that I can be under water and nothing would happen.
Unfortunately a six lesson experience for me turned into 18 lessons. Twice a week and sometimes three times just to do step by step instruction at a slower pace.
By summers end, I was swimming into and out of the deep end. I was floating and then swimming out of my float. My heart beat normalized and I no longer concentrated on drowning.
The lesson here is this; do it and don’t give up. You will need an environment that is comfortable and you will need to have the right instructor. But know that you can do it. I am so sure you can, I would bet money on it.
If I could get past the issues I have with being a black woman and what swimming does to my hair; if I can recognize that I’m 5'9 in height and in a pool that is about 8 feet which means I can go under and come out and not drown as long as I move my arms and legs; if I can finally swim with the 6-year-old, the 9-year-old and the 2-year- old, so can you.
Now I anxiously await for the chance to show off my skills this spring and summer. An invitation to a pool party will mean something different to me. I will no longer have to be relegated to spectator in a cute sundress but rather I am elevated to participant.
Where the fear used to dwell deep in my soul it has been replaced and filled with this spectacular sense of pride. I’ve added swimmer to my list and I’m so happy.
