Fears, fairy tales, and forever
You ever wonder why some relationships work and others crash and die sometimes before they even really get started.
Can two people decide to be together and then decide to stay together and end up happy. Is there a formula for how to make it work?
“My biggest fear is not being here for him. We are each others support system and I’m not sure if he will make it if I’m not here,” said Sonya Radziuk, 48. “I have a big family, mother, father, siblings, and so many cousins. He doesn’t have that,” she said.
The married mother of three and cancer survivor said that the key to the success of her 27 year marriage to George is simple. “We both wanted the same thing,” she said.
“It was difficult and we struggled,” Radziuk said. Looking off into the distance as she reminisced about the very moment, when they decided that they would do what had to be done to make it work, it was as if she was back there. She remembered what they decided and the relationship rules they crafted and continue to follow to this day.
Rule one ~ never use the “D” word, or talk about it or insinuate it even. “We never say the word. She lightly giggled and said, it’s a bad word.”
Rule two ~ to carve out time to have coffee together every morning. “We would plan out our day and discuss important things. And then throughout the day we would have frequent check-ins.
Rule three ~ to enjoy as many simple moments together as we could and with their children. “We would be so excited to have a picnic in the park with our children,” she said.
Sonya explained that the commitment they made to each other also included a commitment to their children. “They deserved to have their parents in a good relationship, just like the relationship my parents had and we wanted to give that to them.
“If we both could not attend one of their activities then our rule was that one of us would. This included taking off work if we had to, no exceptions. The most important thing was being a family, being happy and being together,” she said.
The couple met when they were both 14 years old. Sonya said that George and his family moved next door so they grew up together.
“He was prom king and I was prom queen, even. He became part of my family. George likes to tell the story that he fell in love with me at first site. She giggles playfully, “but I told him he had to grow on me.”
Although she jokes about him growing on her in another breathe she is emphatic that there was no other person that she would have chosen. “I knew he was going to be an excellent father and I also knew he was going to be everything I wanted in a partner,” she said.
Sonya and George have figured out the keys for success in their marriage. But for many couples the struggle is their dwelling place. Take Candace and De’Shan Howard for example.
This couple has only been married for nearly four years and the “D” word divorce is already open and out on the table for discussion. “My biggest fear right now is that I won’t be able to have a child,” Candace said.
Secure in her career as an assistant director in the healthcare industry, Candace is fearful that for reasons out of her control, having a baby with her husband might not happen.
“I have some health issues and my husband has a barrier that is preventing us from conceiving a child. Before I would think, if it happens, it happens. I never realized how important having a child would be for me.
Not for lack of love but the disappointment she feels is the reason why her thoughts are leaning towards divorce. The American Psychological Association has written that 40–50 percent of married couples in the United States divorce.
Although Candace has thoughts of divorce, it quite the opposite for soon to be married Isabel Diaz. The just turned 30, bride to be is excited about her impending nuptials to her longtime love Michael Shultz.
The wedding, finally scheduled for April 30, 2021 is the culmination of an eight year courtship.
“I never dreamed of the stereotypical fairytale wedding as a little girl, although I always knew I wanted to be married,” Diaz said.
Isabel seemed excited to talk about the wedding, co-habitation which they started two years ago and the purchase of their first home together.
“We had planned to be married last year but the pandemic caused the delay. It has given us pause time and more time to prepare. I sometimes wonder if the marriage will change things but I am excited to see,” she said.
Isabel said that her fear is not being able to have children. “We both come from big families and that was one of the things we both wanted. Not only did he embody all of the things I wanted in a man, but he also values family.
Isabel knew she wanted to marry Michael the very first time she met his family. “I knew that I wanted to be a part of that. Watching him with his cousins and even the children he teaches, I knew I wanted to have children with him and that he would make an excellent father,” Diaz said.
On a daily basis women are faced with life. Facing a multitude of challenges like what to make for dinner and some challenges that seem insurmountable such as cancer. These commonalities woman share transcend age, race and socio-economic status.
Relationships are complicated and there is no blueprint or guide book. And there’s no boiler plate on how to do it. No two relationships are the same and what works for one may not work for the other.
An immutable fact is relationships are hard work. They are investments and like any other account, you have to continue depositing in them for them to grow.
